ZodiacBrave's Xanga

Lock the door...

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 07:17:53 GMT

We'll leave the world outside.
Bon Jovi | Thank You for Loving Me

I realize I never blog about the more happy times I have - not as often as I do with highly sensitive material at least.

So, I figure I'd try and work on that.

Last post was a very emotional and distraught entry. But this one's more on a positive note. We're still working things out, but the time we've spent together this weekend gives me hope. I can't help but feel this little nag at the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't get my hopes up too high. It can always be just another ride on that roller coaster of highs and lows.

I hope its different though. I think we've managed to be a little more clear on some issues.

This weekend though, has made me want this relationship more. I realize that yeah, I can probably have any guy I want. But I feel that no man, however wealthy or good-looking he is, is going to give me what I have with Brian now. There are certain things I feel that only he and I can have a perfect understanding on - and we tend to have similar ideas and nuances that we either picked up from each other or have been brought out that only come out when we're with good friends.

And I feel that it'll only get better the longer we remain together. In a sense, he's also become my best friend. I enjoy just being around him in general, whatever it is that we're doing. Be it hanging out with good company or even sleeping. Intimacy is a given. :P

On a slightly random note here, I think if I were to make love to a song, it would definitely be Coldplay's "Yellow" or the more popular and fitting "Truly Madly Deeply" by Savage Garden. And perhaps "With or Without You" by U2. I dunno, I feel there should be a U2 song in that list as well.

Anywho, I've left you with enough mush. :)

I have strawberry creampuffs with real strawberries! :3 And a Mango Bango slurpee! ^_^

I love my boyfriend.

But you should've known that by now.

Half the time the world is ending.

Fri, 30 May 2008 04:21:13 GMT

I'm drained.

Physically and emotionally. So please bear with me. There really is no constructive flow to this post. Just an outpour, or a deluge rather.

I don't know what to think anymore, nor do I know what I want to do or how I'm going to handle the situation or myself. It almost seems like I've had my fill of tears, but somehow they just keep coming. No matter how rational I am about it, my emotions are overwhelming.

You can't be understanding and selfish at the same time. You just can't. Either way, someone's going to end up hurt. As is the case with all partings. It hasn't happened yet, but it's almost as good as done. There's still time left, but recently I've been wondering if I should even bother. In the end, it's just more things to look back on and cry over.

I've never been so pessimistic. Well, it's not so much pessimism as it is an admit of defeat. I could fight it, but that would risk the other's happiness and contentment with the relationship in the future.

Regardless, I still want to spend that time together because I'm not so bitter and resentful to just cut everything off now. It's also somewhat of an act of holding on. And if this ends up truly being the end of this relationship, I want it to end in the most positive note as much as possible - no matter how much it's going to hurt afterwards.

You know how there's certain songs you listen to when you're in love? Those songs that made you happy about the relationship? It's amazing how music can affect your emotions. Especially when the songs that made you happy now make you cry.

I'm such a wreck.

I don't know why I'm acting like this. I've never had my heart broken before. It's almost as if it's karma. All those times I've broken up with guys for whatever reasons... And know I finally have that one thing, that one person that I didn't expect to find but found him and love nonetheless... The circumstances are unfortunate. It's very bittersweet. And it seems unfair.

And yet, I was ready to do anything to make it work out. And I would've gladly done it. But that doesn't matter.

I guess - if anything - the only thing I can say to console myself is... God gives us only what we can handle, and sometimes you have to go through hardships in order to reap the rewards.

I don't think I'm going to willingly seek out relationships. Not for a while. I don't want to. Stubborn streak a go-go.

You know how when something feels right, you just...know? I dunno. Maybe what I want to say is, you know that feeling you get when you feel like you've found that person? When everything feels right and in place and you don't know how to explain it, but you just feel it? That's what I got from him. It'd be nice if it was vice-versa, but chances are, well, probably not.

I think I've explained myself enough now.

I'm just rambling.

I don't think that there was ever anything I wanted so badly before this.

I sound like my world is falling apart.

In a way, it is.

Goddamnit.

Being in this frame of mind can scare me. While driving today, I wondered what it would be like to just...crash. In a way, I think I was far too numb to even care. I might've even welcomed it. But I'm not suicidal. Just...tired.

My eyes are fucking swollen. They'll probably end up worse tonight.

Love is...

Tue, 13 May 2008 07:47:11 GMT

...A myriad of things.

I can go on about how I love my work, and what I do, because let's face it - after today - I am certified awesome. I hope to have a cupcake on my desk at least. In short, after only two weeks of training, I was able to hold my own, and two other people's workloads. So work was good, if not great. :)

Another aspect of love is the platonic/romantic side of it. I'm happy to say that Brian and I working things out between us. I'm glad we're communicating, and rather well, I'd say. And after today, it further strengthens the relationship we have. I have no doubts about what we're doing and are about to do come summer time. I love him and respect him even more, for making that choice.

But I think the third and final thing I wanted to discuss, is the love a mother has for her child. It was Mother's Day yesterday, and to honor that, I will post something I've held off from emailing my mother yesterday, for fear of spoiling the mood. I think I'm finally able to converse with my mom with a mature and sound mind, with a strong idea of who I am as a person, and what I want in life. And though my ideals differ from hers, I understand her completely. Right now the only struggle is for her to come to terms with it. I warn you, it's a very personal excerpt and it's probably shocking that I put this up. But that's how I've always been.

"
Mom,

I know you're upset and deeply disappointed not only on what we've talked about on the phone, but in how my life has turned out in general.

I know you've invested a lot in my education in high school and in college. I'm not the smartest - but I did work hard. I'm not the ideal daughter you wanted, like Leslie. If that were the case, we wouldn't be in this situation right now. If anything, you and I can both be proud that I graduated from a college preparatory school in at least the above average bracket. And it's because of the encouragement and confidence that you've been able to instill in me that have enabled me to get this far.

I'm not going to give any excuses for college. Some people are made for it and are able to push through in 4 years. I'm working full-time and attending part time. I know my first two years in college weren't wonderful at all. I still apologize for that. If anything, I at least learned that Biology wasn't for me. It's a mistake I made, and it costed you and Dad dearly. I do plan on repaying you, financially of course - even if you don't expect it, and by getting my degree.

As far as also disappointing you by getting into relationships, I don't know what to say. I can't apologize, because I believe relationships are part of a learning experience. They're a part of life. You know that for a fact. You've had your fair share of suitors, and eventually found Dad. I know that being married to him and starting a family wasn't the easiest of tasks, and I commend you for all that you've done for us, and still continue to do.

I know that sometimes you think back and wonder what life would be like if you had married someone different, someone who could take care of you and was more financially secure. I also know that because of this, you want to make sure I make the right decisions and that I think and be smart about my relationships. I can assure you I've dated a fair share of guys, and I know now what I want. I'm not saying that Brian will be the one I end up with in the long run, but I am very happy and content with him, and that this has been the longest and most mature relationship I've ever had (intellectually and emotionally). Please don't lump him with the other fish in the sea, even if you probably just see him that way. The fact that he's lasted this long with me speaks volumes. I usually know after a month if I still want to date a guy.

I know we don't agree on some aspects of the relationship, and it doesn't mean that because I disagree with you that I'm putting Brian before you. I just want you to know and recognize that while I still am your daughter, I am old enough and have been, to have my own opinions and ideas. I won't always agree with you on everything. I will as much as possible, but when it comes to my feelings Mom, please understand that I've always been an emotional person, and I will go with my instincts.

That doesn't mean I don't love you. And in a way, it does make me sad that you measure that love by how much we obey you. I can't do everything you ask me to, but I'll try to to the best of my ability. If anything Mom, we could've turned out worse. At least none of us are doing drugs or ending up in jail for whatever reason. Majority of teenagers don't even make it this far. At least I'm still pursuing a higher education, this time with my own money. If anything Mom, I'm grateful to you and Dad, and I owe my successes to you both.

I hope you can understand what I've said thus far. Just because we disagree, doesn't mean I don't love you or value your opinions any less. I take it to heart and if I can, will follow through. But I have to be honest with you, and with myself.

Please don't feel like you've failed in being a parent, because you and I both know that's not true. Please at least have faith in me and in the decisions I make.

I love you and Dad very, very much.

Your daughter, always,

Moana
"

And the lesson I learned today - were three very different aspects of love.

P.S.
Listen to Miliyah Kato's "Love is..."
NOW.

Gravity-like Lunar Landing.

Wed, 07 May 2008 06:32:59 GMT

So, this entry is going to be slightly different than what I usually blog about, which would be how my day/week/month (depending on the last time I blogged) went. I guess this will be one of those philosophical ones.

Let's talk about relationships. I've been in numerous relationships, about 6-7, depending on whether or not the one internet/long-distance relationship counts. I won't bother going into details with every one of them, but 5 of them have never lasted longer than 2 months. I've ended all of them, mostly for fickle, shallow, but honest reasons. The truth of the matter is, I just didn't know what I wanted then. What I did know for sure was that it wasn't a relationship with them, despite them being awesome and special in their own way. Just not for me.

Now, currently my latest relationship is going smooth. We'll make six months next week Wednesday. It's funny, the way both of us entered the relationship. In the beginning, it was purely for physical reasons, but I wouldn't do that totally unless I was somewhat attracted the person physically (duh) and liked their personality (what I've gained from it thus far). By the second month, I already got the feeling that this could possibly last a long time, and that made me very happy. Because by the second month, I gauge the potential of the relationship, like if this goes on, will I be comfortable introducing him to my parents and could I see myself living with this person for the rest of my life, bearing his kids, etc. etc. All important factors to look at, I believe, if you want to take the relationship seriously. I didn't totally answer yes to all of the above, but I was comfortable with the possibilities. By the third month, I fell in love.

I knew the risks going into the relationship. It started as something fun, but ended up as something serious. I also knew that he would be moving back to his hometown, which is about a 1-2 hour drive away by the end of June. So, I took a risk and put my heart out there, because there's no sense falling in love if you're not willing to give it your all, because that's what love is and requires. Doing everything in your power to make the other person happy, even at your expense. But you think nothing of it, because you want to do it. You want them to be happy. And as long as they're happy, it's enough.

But then there's the question and the possibility of your other half not being able to reciprocate at your level, for various reasons. And of course, there's always the possibility of them being curious and wanting to explore other relationships, to figure out what they want. Or it could be the other less-pleasant truth: they're just not into you anymore, for whatever reason.

As for figuring out what they want, that's understandable. It sucks that you have to break up for that in order for it to happen, but sometimes the end result isn't always bad. And if you do end up getting back together, at least you should know that they know that they want you, so logically, the relationship ends up better than before.

If that's the case for this relationship somewhere down the line, then I'm willing to let him go. It hurts like hell just thinking about it now, but what can I do? That's what love is. If you really love someone, you naturally want what's best for them. That's the beauty and the most painful part of love - how selfless it can require you be.

You can fight to stay together, but if the person's already made up their mind, what more can you do? Fighting for the relationship does have a benefit though: it lets the person know how much you care. And hopefully, that person doesn't take that for granted and will at least remember that.

I know where I stand though. The next 3-4 months will be tough, considering we make it that far, but I'm willing to give it all in order for it to work. I want it to work. But a relationship involves two people, and in order for it to work, both have to compromise. So, we'll see.

I'm losing my line of concentration so I'll end it here. I should've gone to bed 30 minutes ago. XD

Our lips can touch

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 06:37:59 GMT

...And our cheeks can brush
Our lips can touch
Here.
HelloGoodbye | Here In Your Arms

So today, I didn't go to work. Not because I enjoyed Sunday (I did, just not that particular reason - if you're still confused, refer to the date), but because I was feeling nauseous and congested. I spent a good 30 minutes to an hour trying to throw up stuff that didn't come out and pretty much just feeling miserable.

The good part about all that, was that I got to spend more time with Brian. Yes, here I am puking but all that means nothing so long as I have boyfriend by my side. I am such teh optimist. So we slept in until 12ish, and decided to go eat. I still felt like puking, but I also felt like I needed something in my stomach at the same time. We headed to Mitsuwa and grabbed lunch there. I ordered a small bowl of shrimp tempura and still was unable to finish that before I felt like gagging. D: I did have a green tea boba so that made be feel better.

Afterwards, we headed to the park on McLaughlin and Palms, which is pretty much the halfway point between our two apartments. We sat on the tables for a bit, and just enjoyed the weather, taking in the scenery. It's a surprisingly big park compared to what you can only see just by driving by. There's so much to do! Soccer, playground, hockey, tennis, baseball, swimming, basketball, kite-flying... I can't wait to go back and just play.

The wonderful thing about it was just spending time with Brian in this particular environment. The weather was perfect. Walking around and being outdoors made me feel a whole lot better. We also played on the swings! That was pure joy. ^^ And being surrounded my housewives taking their kids out to play just got us talking about certain things. It was fun, and I enjoyed it.

Afterwards, we headed back to Brian's and I took a small nap while he went to his appointment. After my nap, I decided to be an awesome girlfriend and basically did his dishes. X3 It's funny. I took pleasure in doing it because dishes calms me down and allows me to think. It's basically my quiet, yet productive time. Plus, it gives me that bit of domesticated bliss that only cooking can give me. I'm glad he was thankful. :3

While I realized it earlier, this past weekend has definitely strengthened that realization.

Watashi no kareshi ga daisuki/aishiteru. Hontou ni.

Come to think of it, this past weekend has been nothing short of awesome. Saw The Forbidden Kingdom on Friday and had ramen afterwards. Saturday, Penny and I hung out with Linda and Christine at the Santa Anita Mall (gorgeous, btw) and saw The Forbidden Kingdom again. Sunday was even more fun, being that I had organized a dim sum gathering in honor of Penny's birthday (thanks to those who came!). We shot some pool, and then hung out at Dave Doan's, napping and playing Rockband. :) Afterwards, we grabbed some delicious chinese food in K-Town and ate it at McDonalds cuz the restaurant was closing and wouldn't let us eat in. XD Ah, good times.

I look forward to more. Everything in life is perfect right now. I just need to get a better-paying job and pay off my bills and I'm set. :)

But I was thinking of ways...

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 06:37:18 GMT

... To get you to stay tonight
Body's shaking
Tell me off so I can turn off the lights

Metro Station | Shake It

This past weekend was awesome. And I'm glad I bought my digital camera just in time too! Otherwise, the awesome pics I got at Adam's party would never have been taken (up on facebook/myspace/myface).

Friday was ramen at Shin Sen Gumi after work, and then party at Adam's pad. Lots of Rockbanding, Smash Bros Brawling, and Fooseballing. Oh, and alcohol too. :3 Didn't get home till 5 a.m. Saturday morning. Woohoo. Slept in till 3 p.m. (wow). Got up, had this maternal instinct to cook breakfast (at 3 p.m.) so I did. Uploaded the pics from the party and then headed over to Brian's. Ate some delish Korean food and then played some Budokai 3. LoLs.

Sunday was nice. Had breakfast with Brian at Beard Papa's (at Olympic/Sawtelle). Found this new print arcade that just opened up so we took pics. ^_^ Then I picked up Penny and headed over to Dave Doan's fake birthday party for some dim sum. Yum. Afterwards we went over to Target where I went shopping when I wasn't really supposed to. XD But it's Target, so it's kinda hard to avoid shopping there. It's all good though. I bought useful stuff. Though what constitutes as useful to women (or just me) can be up for debate.

Had some Coldstone, then headed over to Christine's house for some karaoke goodness. Now I'm here, typing an entry for the first time in over a month. I've been meaning to keep up, but this weekend's given me the extra boost and excitement, not to mention happiness in order to post about my on-goings in life.

Things could always be better, but I'm thankful for what and who I have in my life. Itsumo.

P.S.
Watashi no kareshi ga daisuki desu.

Linger.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:36:28 GMT

So, yesterday was probably the happiest I've felt in a while. Seriously, I was a pocket full of sunshine.

And it was also the first time in a while where I've cried. A lot. ^^;;

For whatever reason, I tend to react strongly as far as emotions go. I can't help it. I try to be cool, calm, and collected. But I guess you never know just how strongly you feel for a person until you feel your heart crumble just a bit (okay, in my case, a lot - I swear I'm not emo) whenever you can't be with him/her.

But, that's all done now. And I realize that I was wrong in thinking my boyfriend had class later this evening. It was actually this morning - reason why he had to go to sleep instead of spend quality time with me. Hah.

Still, now that I think about it and look back at how I was reacting to not spending time, I sometimes wonder if my actions dictate me as being needy and a bit selfish. ^^;;

But, it's only natural to want to spend time with someone you like, even possibly love.

I'm rambling. I need to go get ready for work.

Slide me another shot of Morphine.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 04:19:02 GMT

Today has probably been the most relaxing out of this week. I woke up at 8 to get ready and drop my brother off to work so I'd have the car today, to run errands and possibly eat ramen. Ramen got pushed to tomorrow, so I went home and just collapsed on the bed at around 1030am.

I got a call from Pablo at around 1, discussing the ramen schedule change, and then went back to sleep. It was then that I started dreaming that I was a nanny, taking care of my sister who had somehow reverted back to the age of 7. We were in this huge department store full of toys, and the elevators were super cramped. Anywho, my sister and I were looking for snacks so we had to take one of the cramped elevators. It seemed like my sister was some sort of celebrity. Everybody knew her, and I was some sort of nanny/bodyguard.

Dream ended with me and my sis getting in a car with my family. So random.

I finally woke up at 3pm, feeling all nice and rested. I guess it's because I didn't start my day with the usual job search and then "play on FFXI" routine. And, I do realize that people usually oversleep because they're going through some sort of depression. For me, its a combination of that and anxiety.

I realize things are going to get better. I mean, I have a job to go back to next week, so no biggie. But there's always that nag of wanting things to get better immediately. And when that doesn't happen when you like, your mind goes off in tangents of what needs to be done, what went wrong, etc., etc. until finally your head just wants to explode. That's when you just need to take a breather and relax., maybe even sleep the day away, if time permits.

I realize I need to take better care of myself as far as nutrition and mental stimulation goes. >_>;; My brain needs exercising, and so do my motor skills. Perhaps I'll start working on patterns for cosplay. I need to get rid of this indecisive nature of mine as well.

It can only get better from here.

Sugar me.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:42:41 GMT

In the wake of having absolutely no work for a week, I've found myself on the hunt for a better paying job. So far I've applied and submitted my resume to approximately 10 jobs since two weeks ago. No interviews scheduled yet.

/sigh.

I am currently going through what Penny was experiencing around Aug/Sep. It sucks. I'm somewhat depressed and stressed at the same time, and video games and tv can only occupy my mind so much until I feel this need to move around. I can't sleep till 2 p.m., because my body's disciplined to get up by 10 a.m. at the latest. ._.;;

Hopefully though, all this waiting will be worth it. Penny's got a good job, and I hope to get one as well. We definitely need a bigger apartment and I want to buy lots of expensive clothes. I also want to start saving up for a trip I'm planning to Japan next year. Plus, I want to be able to afford materials for hardcore cosplay. No, not that kind of hardcore. >_>;;

So, yes, I hope I get some sugar from the high-end jobs. Do as the song says and just pour it on me. Let me roll in the sweetness known as financial stability. XD

As far as FFXI goes, I'm happy. ^^ My SAM is on it's way to 75, and should hopefully get there by March. ^^ I need to level up my WAR sub soon, though. I've been leveling DNC when not in static. Ish fun. :3 I dunno if I want to get COR AF or DNC AF first. Both are pretty.

My social life has somewhat dwindled with the new year, but I'm sure it'll pick up around Feb/Mar. That is, assuming I get a higher paying job. I refuse to call any new job I get "better," simply because you can't beat playing video games for a living. Unless you have a hand in the creative process, be it designing/making or even voice acting. ^^;; Which is another thing I'm looking at.

I've always wanted to try voice acting, be it in an anime or video game. I think it'd be fun. ^^ Plus, I've been told that I have a pleasant phone voice. I dunno if that's along the same lines as voice acting, but I think I could do it. ^^

And speaking of acting, I was shocked to find out that Heath Ledger died. :( It's one of those things that you don't expect, and when it happens, this sadness just washes over you. I've never known him personally, but I really enjoyed him in "10 Things I Hate About You" and "A Knight's Tale." Plus, he was so young. Too early, too early.

I know I'll be sad watching "The Dark Knight."

R.I.P. Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein.

Stop and Stare (@ 2007)

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 08:07:28 GMT

As my time back in the islands winds down, I realize one thing: New Year's Day signifies the departure of the old and familiar (leaving Hawaii) and the arrival of things new and exciting (returning to California). The fact that I'm spending New Year's Day in Hawaii, in the air, and in California seems pretty interesting to say the least.

I didn't get to spend as much time with people as I would've liked, and I hope that they can forgive me for that till...next year. ._.;; Other than that, I'm ready to head back to Los Angeles. My brother and I were discussing it on the way over to Hawaii that, despite Hawaii being what it is to us, we'd rather be living in Cali. Same with Penny as we were driving over to Doe Fang's (this local shop that makes the tastiest Icees). Right now, we can't imagine living in Hawaii at this point in our lives. I mean, your twenties are supposed to be exciting and full of traveling and whatnot. Unless you're a nature-freak, you can't get much excitement in Hawaii.

Eto eto... This year... Well, 2007 was stable in some areas. Earlier in the year, I was able to work at Square Enix again. This time I lasted longer than just the 2.5 months on my first project. It's been a year straight and I'm still going strong. :) Unfortunately, that might end this January, if I get a better paying job. It makes me sad to leave a job where I love the work, the people, and the environment. Buuuut, I can't get too comfortable where there's not that much room for growth.

As far as my social life, it's improved somewhat. XD After Penny moved in, I started drinking almost regularly. I've gotten drunk for the first time at Haz's party that almost wasn't. Actually, the regular drinking didn't start until we had regular weekend gatherings at Brian's apartment. From what I've gathered, I'm a happy/loud/touchy-feely drunk. XD I also managed to stay single for an entire year! That is, until around August. Whatever, a year is an achievement in itself. The only year I've been single while living in L.A.

But now I'm in another relationship. And while the premise going into it was to just have fun, I feel that it's becoming much more than that. And unlike my previous relationships, I'm actually welcoming the change. In all honesty, I hope this one lasts for a while, and even longer. We'll see. ^^

I've made a lot of friends this year, mostly through work. I've gotta say, I'm glad to have met them. I dunno what it is, but gaming QA seems notorious for pulling in people from almost all walks of life (and geekdom). I don't mind it though. It's nice to be surrounded by people who have the same passions as you. It's even nicer when they're sane. ^^

Don't get me wrong, I embrace the crazy. Or rather, the excitement that people sometimes get caught up in when they usually talk about things they feel strongly about.

I almost lost a great friend this year too, due to my selfish and needy nature. I did get to spend some time with this friend over my Christmas break, and if anything, I'm glad to still consider her one of my best friends.

All in all, I'm grateful for what the year has brought me, in terms of love and friends, and even work. Next year, I'm going to try and maintain that, and add in luck with finances as well. X3

It's going to be the Year of the Rat soon, and I'm going to make it count.

If anything, finances and academics will be my main focus for 2008. I've got all I need in friends and in love.

To everyone, I wish you a Happy New Year (Yarr)! Hope you have a good one, for the most part. :)