| | I'm drained.
Physically and emotionally. So please bear with me. There really is no constructive flow to this post. Just an outpour, or a deluge rather.
I don't know what to think anymore, nor do I know what I want to do or how I'm going to handle the situation or myself. It almost seems like I've had my fill of tears, but somehow they just keep coming. No matter how rational I am about it, my emotions are overwhelming.
You can't be understanding and selfish at the same time. You just can't. Either way, someone's going to end up hurt. As is the case with all partings. It hasn't happened yet, but it's almost as good as done. There's still time left, but recently I've been wondering if I should even bother. In the end, it's just more things to look back on and cry over.
I've never been so pessimistic. Well, it's not so much pessimism as it is an admit of defeat. I could fight it, but that would risk the other's happiness and contentment with the relationship in the future.
Regardless, I still want to spend that time together because I'm not so bitter and resentful to just cut everything off now. It's also somewhat of an act of holding on. And if this ends up truly being the end of this relationship, I want it to end in the most positive note as much as possible - no matter how much it's going to hurt afterwards.
You know how there's certain songs you listen to when you're in love? Those songs that made you happy about the relationship? It's amazing how music can affect your emotions. Especially when the songs that made you happy now make you cry.
I'm such a wreck.
I don't know why I'm acting like this. I've never had my heart broken before. It's almost as if it's karma. All those times I've broken up with guys for whatever reasons... And know I finally have that one thing, that one person that I didn't expect to find but found him and love nonetheless... The circumstances are unfortunate. It's very bittersweet. And it seems unfair.
And yet, I was ready to do anything to make it work out. And I would've gladly done it. But that doesn't matter.
I guess - if anything - the only thing I can say to console myself is... God gives us only what we can handle, and sometimes you have to go through hardships in order to reap the rewards.
I don't think I'm going to willingly seek out relationships. Not for a while. I don't want to. Stubborn streak a go-go.
You know how when something feels right, you just...know? I dunno. Maybe what I want to say is, you know that feeling you get when you feel like you've found that person? When everything feels right and in place and you don't know how to explain it, but you just feel it? That's what I got from him. It'd be nice if it was vice-versa, but chances are, well, probably not.
I think I've explained myself enough now.
I'm just rambling.
I don't think that there was ever anything I wanted so badly before this.
I sound like my world is falling apart.
In a way, it is.
Goddamnit.
Being in this frame of mind can scare me. While driving today, I wondered what it would be like to just...crash. In a way, I think I was far too numb to even care. I might've even welcomed it. But I'm not suicidal. Just...tired.
My eyes are fucking swollen. They'll probably end up worse tonight.
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| | Posted 5/29/2008 10:21 PM - 32 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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