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| My younger sister who is 18, has decided she's had enough of home and has decided to run away to North Carolina with a 22 year old marine.
She's tried to once before a couple weekends ago, but Dylan was able to get a hold of her.
And now she's run off again.
A lot of it has to do with how we grew up. My dad is very strict, but he's also a good father, and more importantly a good man. So, even though he told us to come to him if we had anything on our mind, we were afraid to because he got angry easily, and we didn't want to get beat for voicing our opinions. So, I didn't have understanding parents as some kids might've had. And a lot of the times, I held in my emotions and thoughts while growing up at home. And it's probably why I am the way I am today. I've had plenty of practice reflecting on why people do the things they do, why things happen, and forming my own opinions and standards.
It took me a long time to feel comfortable to openly talk to my parents and have them take me seriously because I'm not a little girl any more. I still kept my relationships hidden because I was afraid my parents would make me come back to Hawaii.
It wasn't until my relationship with Brian that everything had changed. I didn't hide him from my parents, yet I didn't bring my relationship forward because I didn't know how they would react still. All I knew was that I had complete faith that they wouldn't disapprove of him, because for the first time, I felt like I had made the right choice.
So, things got easier with my parents. I'm lucky in that sense. For my sister though, she's the baby and she's still young. And she's been sheltered. Of course she'd get tired living under our house, still having to abide by rules and getting yelled at if they're not followed. Being alone, it's hard to turn to someone to talk to, to give advice and tell her that if she wanted to have our parents take her seriously, she would have to talk to them as maturely as possible.
Instead she took the opposite route, listened to her peers who told her she was 18 and could do anything she wanted, and decided to follow in one of their footsteps to run away with a marine.
My whole view on this is, I love my dad, and I understand why he gets easily upset. He's so focused on trying to raise a good family and steer us clear of drugs and other such influences while we were growing up. But in his "my way or the highway" attitude, he drove an invisible wedge between himself and everyone else. And the saddest part yesterday when I talked to him about it to make him try and realize that he's partly at fault, he had no idea.
And after I had him realize that, he broke down and cried.
I can only imagine how horribly guilty he must feel. To be a parent and only want the best for your child, and to realize that you've driven them to this corner - it's like a slap in the face, a kick in the gut. And it wasn't just my sister. I even told my father that while growing up, even I had a hard time talking to him and mom. Mostly him though, because of the same reason. I didn't want to get beaten.
So... My parents talked last night. And I'm glad they've been able to get it out in the air. My mom, bless her, is sticking my by father's side and working this out. She could've left him years ago. But she stayed for us, and because she knows that he's still a good man. Our main concern right now is finding where my sister is, and making sure she's safe.
If she wants to be free, my parents will give her that. Because all they want is for her to be happy.
And now, I might not have a complete family to come home to.
And there's also the possibility that I might have to say goodbye to Brian for good.
They say god only gives you what you can handle.
But right now, on top of the 5-6 hours of sleep I'm getting daily, I'm emotionally/physically/mentally drained.
It really feels like I'm slowly dying.
I feel sick. I want to throw up. This is too much on my heart.
But I still want my happy ending...
So I'll live.
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| I am feeling so strained right now. @_@
It sucks when I can't sleep properly, for whatever reason.
Work is busy right now. And it's going to be busy for the next 3-4 months. Ugggggh. And, even though I have a lot of responsibilities now and constantly sort of supervising, I guess it's some sort of backhanded compliment. Perhaps a raise is in order as well as a bigger bonus next year.
w00t.
I am exhausted though. And restless. And it's starting to take a toll on me. I'm losing focus at work, I've screwed up twice. I know, nobody's perfect.
But I'd like to think I'm damn near close. ;)
I can't really sign up for any winter courses, as there's nothing available that would apply to my degree, and nothing interesting to take anyways. Meh.
As far as to what I'm going to decide for the upcoming weekend about three weeks from now, I have no idea.
I am the most inconsistent person EVAR. My workout schedule attributes to that. I've hovered between both sides of the line, and though there are times where I seem resolute and I know what I should do, there are just as many times where I want to do what I've always wanted from the moment I realized it. It's definitely half and half right now.
I should have my mind made up beforehand, but I know it's not the conviction behind the choice that could be lacking should my resolution waver, it's the fact that there's a much more stronger feeling, wanting, that demands to be the choice I should make.
But then again, there never really were any choices for me, were there?
I've always wanted one thing.
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. And you either ignore it or embrace it.
I feel like I'm ignoring the whole point of this break up entirely, but goddamnit, I can be selfish too. ._.
And stupid.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
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| This weekend has given me some sort of peace of mind and heart.
I went into Friday prepared and conditioned to not get my hopes up too high, and was ready to accept denial if it came down to it. Yet, I was still hoping I'd have my wish. Well, some sort of it. To hope to get back together again immediately would be foolish and unrealistic. A possibility, as all things are, but highly unlikely.
If anything, at least I know he still cares. And to me, that's probably the most important thing of all.
Currently my heart is twisted in knots. Aching, painful knots mind you.
What I want doesn't seem like it'll be coming any time soon, if ever. (Ouch. Painful spike there.)
It would probably be the best, most beautiful Christmas this year if my wish came true.
But after Brian and I broke up, I stopped making wishes. I know stuff like that doesn't work. Well, maybe not in the sense I meant it to, and maybe it wasn't time for that wish to come true. Or wishes rather.
Then again, I wanted to be the one that made Brian happy. Not some wish.
I feel like I can be resolute in three weeks, which will be the next time I see him. But I'm still choosing which path to take.
In the end, I could always be steadfast to my heart. But I'm prepared to lose this battle, and accept defeat.
If it comes to that, I don't think being friends is an option.
I love him too much to settle as being friends and we both deserve much more than that.
Then again, I could always see him face to face and just fall apart.
You would think it would be pretty damn apparent on what to do if your attraction to one another is just too strong to ignore. In fact, it's pretty damn logical if you want to go that route.
It's not just emotions. It's science. THE SCIENCE OF LOVE.
I try to be serious in my posts, I really do. But then I end up making myself laugh at my own silliness. ^_^
Uuuuugh. Honestly, guys, am I not someone worth fighting for?
Am I not someone worth keeping?
And I know the reasons for the break up have nothing to do with me.
But I would like to be the reason for staying.
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3 weeks, huh?
Shimatta.
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| I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry.
Man oh man. I seriously need to stop this mind of mine from driving me to ruins.
I finally know how mad jealous I can be. And it's nothing like before when I first found out that Brian had hot lady friends. And while we were going out, it did kind of mess with me in the fact that while he was in Riverside and I was "not his girlfriend", he would hang out with them. Of course I understand he'll have female friends like I have guy friends, and I know he's faithful so really, it was my paranoia getting to me.
But now he's single and he's seeing said female friend for lunch. Of course it's none of my business, and just happening to peruse his FB and see the message kind of just made the jealousy flare up. Now it's questions as to whether he's interested, if he had been considering dating her while we were dating - a whole bunch of stuff that I shouldn't be thinking about - but I do because females are notorious for misconstruing facts when it comes to love, ex-lovers, etc.
And of course, in our blinding rampage of jealousy, we forget that it could be the opposite - quite innocent. Just having lunch with a friend.
It doesn't help though, that when I called to see if he would confirm for Friday, I get this tired, exhausted response. I know he's usually tired, but it makes me feel like he's uncomfortable talking to me, or he would like to get this phone conversation over with asap. Ouch. Which, of course, that might or most likely wouldn't be the case, but I'm super sensitive and what I'm hearing is that he just doesn't want to talk to me.
Again, paranoia and hyper-sensitivity is probably the worse combination I have going for me right now. And being in love with a person you're not sure wants to even talk to you stings just a bit. But then again, it says something if he's willing to meet up. Granted that meet up is with mutual friends so maybe not really just for me. XD
Work is busy again. Overtime is guaranteed. I really hope to get out early on Friday, or at least on time. God I hate being this on edge. I can't wait till the Friday. Hurry up, damn it! >_<
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| Okay, you know how you just wish some people would like, get the hint and leave you alone? Yet, they are oblivious or disregard your warning signs totally and keep pressing on.
So, this guy (initials C.K. - trust me you know who I'm talking about in a minute here; unless you don't go on Facebook) was okay in the beginning. Worked with him but he wasn't on my project at SE when I first started, but we'd talk, and he'd talk like, forever. So, he was okay, maybe slightly annoying. Can't fault people for it really.
Ran into him at EVO last year, and since it had been a while, we caught up and exchanged phone numbers. Wasn't bad at first, and then recently this year I'd get calls, texts, etc. for random stuff or wanting to hang out. Clearly knew I had a boyfriend. And then I accepted his friend request on FB. He'd IM me through FB chat so I'd talk to him every now and then.
Talking to him wasn't a problem. But then it got to the point whereupon after he had found out I was no longer with Brian, two days after he had asked me to stay up and keep him company so he could get his work done. Um, excuse me? I was seriously pissed I. didn't have time for him let alone myself. I had to force myself to go to work immediately the day after we had broken up. I had no decent sleep. And I was hurting. I had posted a blog detailing the break up on Facebook. This guy comments every time I have a status update. He knew damn well what I was going through.
And to ask me something so stupid, so selfish - just because oh look, I'm single - with no regard as to how I'm feeling or doing, really lowered my respect and tolerance for him. And since then, I've ignored his chats. Hardly if at all responded to his comments. And silly me, I made the mistake of posting that I would be going to Chicago for the Distant Worlds concert - this guy says "Hey, what a great Christmas vacation!" and promptly books his tickets to Chicago and to the same concert.
If he is anywhere near me, god help me not to throw him over the balcony. Because even though I may put on pleasantries because goddamnit I am so nice, inside, I am destroying you. I am imagining your demise.
Ugh. Man! Seriously though, what the hell? I don't understand why people don't get the point.
Oh, and when I made another post saying how I'm not interested in any guys or whatever (which is still true, btw) - this dude posts up his counter blog saying how nice guys finish last. Buddy, I never once indicated that I was interested in you romantically and the fact that I've been ignoring you for quite some time, should've given you a big hint. The fact that I still haven't given you my new number after you had messaged me for it should really be a colossal hint.
And if you still don't get it then, god help you. Because I really don't like confronting people. It makes me feel like I'm pointing out their stupidity. : / Well, not all the time, but this time, I'd call it stupidity, overbearing tenacity - whatever. Hopeless case.
Ah man. This is why I love blogging. It lets me yell at people without really having to literally do it. ^_^
Hrm... Work is work. Getting very busy. And once again, I find myself with too many tasks for one person. But hey, I can handle it. Just trying to get the new hires to get used to the fact that this is busy pace is going to be the norm utnil around March. LawL.
I am excited for next week. How I wish it were next week already. I get to see Brian, and we'll see how things go from there. I know realistically, it's probably isn't a good idea to re-enter the relationship utnil after he's finished school and whatnot - but if both people really want something and are willing to work it out, then why not give it a shot? Not that I'm hoping for that. Unless he is, then I'll welcome it. But, I know not to get my hopes up or be too flighty about it. I'm just happy I get to see him again. :)
Methinks I should've at least done some yoga today, but I got out of work late. Like, an hour and a half late almost, due to overwhelming demand for my awesomeness. XD So, I studied a bit. Maybe I'll start on the homework tomorrow. After I work out of course.
On a side note, I love the music from GLEE.
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