|
| I am feeling so strained right now. @_@
It sucks when I can't sleep properly, for whatever reason.
Work is busy right now. And it's going to be busy for the next 3-4 months. Ugggggh. And, even though I have a lot of responsibilities now and constantly sort of supervising, I guess it's some sort of backhanded compliment. Perhaps a raise is in order as well as a bigger bonus next year.
w00t.
I am exhausted though. And restless. And it's starting to take a toll on me. I'm losing focus at work, I've screwed up twice. I know, nobody's perfect.
But I'd like to think I'm damn near close. ;)
I can't really sign up for any winter courses, as there's nothing available that would apply to my degree, and nothing interesting to take anyways. Meh.
As far as to what I'm going to decide for the upcoming weekend about three weeks from now, I have no idea.
I am the most inconsistent person EVAR. My workout schedule attributes to that. I've hovered between both sides of the line, and though there are times where I seem resolute and I know what I should do, there are just as many times where I want to do what I've always wanted from the moment I realized it. It's definitely half and half right now.
I should have my mind made up beforehand, but I know it's not the conviction behind the choice that could be lacking should my resolution waver, it's the fact that there's a much more stronger feeling, wanting, that demands to be the choice I should make.
But then again, there never really were any choices for me, were there?
I've always wanted one thing.
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. And you either ignore it or embrace it.
I feel like I'm ignoring the whole point of this break up entirely, but goddamnit, I can be selfish too. ._.
And stupid.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
| | |
| This weekend has given me some sort of peace of mind and heart.
I went into Friday prepared and conditioned to not get my hopes up too high, and was ready to accept denial if it came down to it. Yet, I was still hoping I'd have my wish. Well, some sort of it. To hope to get back together again immediately would be foolish and unrealistic. A possibility, as all things are, but highly unlikely.
If anything, at least I know he still cares. And to me, that's probably the most important thing of all.
Currently my heart is twisted in knots. Aching, painful knots mind you.
What I want doesn't seem like it'll be coming any time soon, if ever. (Ouch. Painful spike there.)
It would probably be the best, most beautiful Christmas this year if my wish came true.
But after Brian and I broke up, I stopped making wishes. I know stuff like that doesn't work. Well, maybe not in the sense I meant it to, and maybe it wasn't time for that wish to come true. Or wishes rather.
Then again, I wanted to be the one that made Brian happy. Not some wish.
I feel like I can be resolute in three weeks, which will be the next time I see him. But I'm still choosing which path to take.
In the end, I could always be steadfast to my heart. But I'm prepared to lose this battle, and accept defeat.
If it comes to that, I don't think being friends is an option.
I love him too much to settle as being friends and we both deserve much more than that.
Then again, I could always see him face to face and just fall apart.
You would think it would be pretty damn apparent on what to do if your attraction to one another is just too strong to ignore. In fact, it's pretty damn logical if you want to go that route.
It's not just emotions. It's science. THE SCIENCE OF LOVE.
I try to be serious in my posts, I really do. But then I end up making myself laugh at my own silliness. ^_^
Uuuuugh. Honestly, guys, am I not someone worth fighting for?
Am I not someone worth keeping?
And I know the reasons for the break up have nothing to do with me.
But I would like to be the reason for staying.
----------
3 weeks, huh?
Shimatta.
| | |
| I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry.
Man oh man. I seriously need to stop this mind of mine from driving me to ruins.
I finally know how mad jealous I can be. And it's nothing like before when I first found out that Brian had hot lady friends. And while we were going out, it did kind of mess with me in the fact that while he was in Riverside and I was "not his girlfriend", he would hang out with them. Of course I understand he'll have female friends like I have guy friends, and I know he's faithful so really, it was my paranoia getting to me.
But now he's single and he's seeing said female friend for lunch. Of course it's none of my business, and just happening to peruse his FB and see the message kind of just made the jealousy flare up. Now it's questions as to whether he's interested, if he had been considering dating her while we were dating - a whole bunch of stuff that I shouldn't be thinking about - but I do because females are notorious for misconstruing facts when it comes to love, ex-lovers, etc.
And of course, in our blinding rampage of jealousy, we forget that it could be the opposite - quite innocent. Just having lunch with a friend.
It doesn't help though, that when I called to see if he would confirm for Friday, I get this tired, exhausted response. I know he's usually tired, but it makes me feel like he's uncomfortable talking to me, or he would like to get this phone conversation over with asap. Ouch. Which, of course, that might or most likely wouldn't be the case, but I'm super sensitive and what I'm hearing is that he just doesn't want to talk to me.
Again, paranoia and hyper-sensitivity is probably the worse combination I have going for me right now. And being in love with a person you're not sure wants to even talk to you stings just a bit. But then again, it says something if he's willing to meet up. Granted that meet up is with mutual friends so maybe not really just for me. XD
Work is busy again. Overtime is guaranteed. I really hope to get out early on Friday, or at least on time. God I hate being this on edge. I can't wait till the Friday. Hurry up, damn it! >_<
| | |
| Okay, you know how you just wish some people would like, get the hint and leave you alone? Yet, they are oblivious or disregard your warning signs totally and keep pressing on.
So, this guy (initials C.K. - trust me you know who I'm talking about in a minute here; unless you don't go on Facebook) was okay in the beginning. Worked with him but he wasn't on my project at SE when I first started, but we'd talk, and he'd talk like, forever. So, he was okay, maybe slightly annoying. Can't fault people for it really.
Ran into him at EVO last year, and since it had been a while, we caught up and exchanged phone numbers. Wasn't bad at first, and then recently this year I'd get calls, texts, etc. for random stuff or wanting to hang out. Clearly knew I had a boyfriend. And then I accepted his friend request on FB. He'd IM me through FB chat so I'd talk to him every now and then.
Talking to him wasn't a problem. But then it got to the point whereupon after he had found out I was no longer with Brian, two days after he had asked me to stay up and keep him company so he could get his work done. Um, excuse me? I was seriously pissed I. didn't have time for him let alone myself. I had to force myself to go to work immediately the day after we had broken up. I had no decent sleep. And I was hurting. I had posted a blog detailing the break up on Facebook. This guy comments every time I have a status update. He knew damn well what I was going through.
And to ask me something so stupid, so selfish - just because oh look, I'm single - with no regard as to how I'm feeling or doing, really lowered my respect and tolerance for him. And since then, I've ignored his chats. Hardly if at all responded to his comments. And silly me, I made the mistake of posting that I would be going to Chicago for the Distant Worlds concert - this guy says "Hey, what a great Christmas vacation!" and promptly books his tickets to Chicago and to the same concert.
If he is anywhere near me, god help me not to throw him over the balcony. Because even though I may put on pleasantries because goddamnit I am so nice, inside, I am destroying you. I am imagining your demise.
Ugh. Man! Seriously though, what the hell? I don't understand why people don't get the point.
Oh, and when I made another post saying how I'm not interested in any guys or whatever (which is still true, btw) - this dude posts up his counter blog saying how nice guys finish last. Buddy, I never once indicated that I was interested in you romantically and the fact that I've been ignoring you for quite some time, should've given you a big hint. The fact that I still haven't given you my new number after you had messaged me for it should really be a colossal hint.
And if you still don't get it then, god help you. Because I really don't like confronting people. It makes me feel like I'm pointing out their stupidity. : / Well, not all the time, but this time, I'd call it stupidity, overbearing tenacity - whatever. Hopeless case.
Ah man. This is why I love blogging. It lets me yell at people without really having to literally do it. ^_^
Hrm... Work is work. Getting very busy. And once again, I find myself with too many tasks for one person. But hey, I can handle it. Just trying to get the new hires to get used to the fact that this is busy pace is going to be the norm utnil around March. LawL.
I am excited for next week. How I wish it were next week already. I get to see Brian, and we'll see how things go from there. I know realistically, it's probably isn't a good idea to re-enter the relationship utnil after he's finished school and whatnot - but if both people really want something and are willing to work it out, then why not give it a shot? Not that I'm hoping for that. Unless he is, then I'll welcome it. But, I know not to get my hopes up or be too flighty about it. I'm just happy I get to see him again. :)
Methinks I should've at least done some yoga today, but I got out of work late. Like, an hour and a half late almost, due to overwhelming demand for my awesomeness. XD So, I studied a bit. Maybe I'll start on the homework tomorrow. After I work out of course.
On a side note, I love the music from GLEE.
| | |
| Ah xanga... I've missed you so.
I think, this is where I'll post from now on. FB is just... meh. And there are people whom I don't want judging me on there. Not that I care. It's just that some of them don't deserve to know my vulnerabilities, unlike the people I call friends. Close friends, mind you. Meaning, if I've hung out with you more than 3 times and have invited you into my domain, then yeah, you're good.
But other than that, I don't feel like answering questions that I feel some people don't deserve the right to ask. Or have them know things about me that they shouldn't.
Not that I know it isn't hard to find someone's xanga, but if I know I didn't give you that information, well then, I can classify you as a stalker. :3
Hmmm... Life as it is now...
I am once again single. Not by choice, though I couldn't argue with the reasoning. But it's okay. I'm dealing with it better, and coming to terms that the world is not over. *rolls eyes* There's a time, where after everything has been said and done, that only you are responsible for holding yourself back. I am kind of ashamed to have handled everything the way I did.
Love can make you the strongest person in the world, and it can also be your downfall, in some aspect.
Well, it wasn't so much love that drove me to such emotional and self-esteem lows. It was more of me trying to fight something I knew logically was the right decision and refusing to accept it because I couldn't or didn't want to. Because love conquers all.
Yet, there is a fine line between love and selfishness. And I know that now. It took me a while to get there, because sometimes you can't help yourself and relapse.
And ultimately, I believe that's where one can either learn and strengthen up or needlessly wait, for something to happen or not.
I came back to this xanga also because there is just sooooo much history tied to it. It spans all of my relationships. And looking back, I see an evolution of love. And right now, I think I'm going through one of the highest forms of it. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, then you know. Or something like that. ^_^;;
I've said it before. Love requires you to make sacrifices. And the beauty of love is how selfless it can require you to be. Whether or not we end up back together shouldn't plague my mind right now. But rather, I should focus on the fact that, yes, I do miss him. Yes, I still love him, but I promise not to give him my whole heart again until that time is right. And I still want to be friends.
And in the end, all I can do is appreciate the fact that we're on good terms.
----
As for what I did today... I played Magna Carta 2. Not too bad at all. I am very much in love with the designs. Speaking of designs, I really want to cosplay for the Distant Worlds concert. I'm thinking of going as an Elvaan or whatever th XIV equivalent is. Elezan was it? Or... Oerba Yun Fang. I think her costume is cheap enough to manage. I just hope I don't freeze wearing it out there in Chicago. T_T
Which reminds me, I might actually see snow! Time to go shopping for mittens! ^_^
I think that's it for now. Welcome back xanga! /hug.
| | |
|
